After the events of last week and the subsequent discussion with the mental health team I found myself deflated and depressed. Over the weekend I was hit with complete lethargy. I haven’t played a computer game since I was about 13 years old but I found myself downloading free games off the net and endlessly playing them. Quite a depressing thing in itself when there’s so much work still to be done. Having finally showered and shaved on Monday morning I headed off to the drop-in hoping to talk over what had happened, but also half expecting to be turned away having nearly caused one of their clients to kill themselves.

Luckily the manager and her staff didn’t agree with the doctors conclusion and were quite horrified that she’d expressed such an opinion. The support meant a lot and they also arranged for me to talk it over with another doctor at the Medical Foundation in Newcastle. She was just as shocked as the drop-in team over what had been said and didn’t feel I’d acted in any health jeopardising manner. If anything she felt having someone around Shahriar – for just company’s sake – and in this case listening to his story would have done much more good than harm. The advice all helped to put me back on a level playing field having been knocked sideways by Friday’s discussion.

The whole experience did however bring up some interesting points and many things to think over. Everything that has been said has massively highlighted the potential impact a photographer’s presence has on their subjects whether this be positive or negative. The days of the objective observer are long gone as I’m sure we’re all very much aware, however it’s never hit me so blatently as this time. Going into a situation we have to be concious of the possible outcomes our relations with people can have and we should have some sort of preparation for that. Not only for the subject’s sake but for the photographer’s as well. I’ve often thought about how many extra skills we need as documentary photographers – piled on top of the photography itself – to be able to do this work well. Its a given that we need to have a good to very good knowledge of the topics we cover, whatever they may be, alongside good people skills for the situations we’re in. We also however may need to consider what extra set of skills or knowledge we have to look into depending on the work we are doing. Conflict training for example or in this case working with very vulnerable people and again the preparation could have as much impact on the photographer as the subject. Making a call to someone and telling them you’re going to kill yourself is well acknowledged to be a call for help, in usually very difficult circumstances. Understanding that could shape a person’s response and the final outcome. Its not an experience I expected or found very enjoyable, but its one that I’ve now had and its made me reflect much more on what I’m doing, the possible extra skills I need and the impact, I as a photographer can have.

So the project is pretty much over. Regardless of the support I’ve had there’s no chance of following up on what has happened to Shahriar with covering his subsequent sectioning and mental health treatment. I feel for all that has happened over the last week and for all its siginificance I’ve got no means of representing it. I have pictures of places and my own feelings to reflect on but that is about it.

This is the digital version of a picture from the spot I was at when I took the call from Shahriar. I’d spoken to him about an hour before, he hadn’t sounded well but had told me where he was and so I was already out looking for him. There are some places in Newcastle – like any big city – that feel quite unnerving after dark, coupled with the circumstances images like these hold quite a dark significance for myself. However I’m not sure what meaning pictures such as these hold, if any, for anyone else.